Embarrassing Moments Generally Involve a Bodily Fluid. . .

Wait, I didn’t mean that title in a bad way. I was just thinking back to my youth and chronicling the times that made me blush the most. I realized most of these involve urine, vomit or snot in some way, shape or form. So, let me share my embarrassment with you.

The first episode of such ridicule dates back to age 6. In grade school, kids are very reliant on their teachers, and often afraid to do anything that would diminish their authority. Cue first grade Katie in music class. I went into class really having to pee. I mean, really, really having to pee. So, as soon as I got in class, I raised my hand to go to the restroom. Bear in mind that no decently behaved child of this age would have the autonomy to think of going to the restroom by themselves. So, I waited to be called on so I could make my way to the little girls’ room.

But, for some reason, our teacher that day was very angry at us. Maybe it’s because we were talking during her riveting triangle demonstrations, or that her musical career consisted of teaching snotty nosed kids the “50 Nifty United States” song. Whatever the reason, she scolded us in a very loud manner and told us not to talk for the rest of the class. So, my raised hand fell on deaf ears. She was not going to call on me, and so I proceeded to grimace in pain and fear, hands between knees, hoping she would soon forgive the unruly class.

But, the moment never came. And soon, I was called on to play the xylophone at the front of the class with another student. About 10 seconds into the song, I knew all bets were off. And so, first grade Katie urinated on herself in front of the class, possibly on the xylophone, all because I was a meek first grader and my teacher had a bad morning.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after this, but I’m sure it was a mad rush to the bathroom to clean me up, followed by a call to the janitor, snickering by classmates, and an eventual trip to the office (after, of course, receiving some slightly used clothes from the Family Resource Center). My mom picked me up that day and luckily, after a few days no one remembered the notorious xylophone incident. After all, there are an alarming number of peeing incidents in this age group. But, the moment has been etched into my memory for far too long.

Another such incident that I was not personally involved in but witnessed first-hand came later in elementary school (fifth grade, to be exact). The class was sitting in science class, silently reading from our brand new textbooks.

Breaking the complete silence was a mighty gagging sound, followed by the release of the most offensive, vile throw-up I have ever seen (or smelled). The vomit erupted from the mouth of an acne-laden female student (I think her name was Amy) sitting a few desks over from me and it had the consistency of mashed peas. It was green with chunks of, well, peas and it smelled bad enough to make every fifth grader in class think about vomiting themselves.

The crisp, new pages of elementary school science slowly soaked up the barf, letting small amounts of green liquid drip to the floor. The smell wafted through the classroom as the offender was rushed to the school nurse and the custodian was promptly called. No worse than the actual smell of vomit was the white powder placed on the mess once the staff made it to the classroom for cleanup. I can still visualize the smell to this day. It’s disgusting how one’s memory works, right? Now, I’m sure that most people in the class forgot the vomiting incident after a few days (except for me). After all, fifth grade is full of many distractions just as first grade was for my urination incident.

Now, the point of this post wasn’t really to have a solid conclusion or piece of advice, but I find myself with a lack of conclusion. As adults, many of these experiences no longer bring us shame or humiliation. Maybe it’s because we can control our bodily functions (except the occasional drunk vomit), or maybe it’s because we have a lot of annoying things to deal with. Public speaking ranks as a top fear for many people, but if we compared it to puking on our boss, I’m sure that the speech would not seem nearly as intimidating. Perhaps growing up is creating new fears and while holding old ones in the back of our minds. After all, no one wants to vomit on their boss and mess up their Power Point presentation. . .

Soap Box Katie

Nothing is better than rejuvenating your interest in blogging than feeling the need for a rant. So, here it goes.

Just a few minutes ago, I was checking my Facebook news feed (yes, I hate myself) and noticed an article that had been shared by some of my high school friends. The article linked to a conservative website (definitely not somewhere I will be frequently), but I had to check out the content because of my interest in the subject.

You see, the Mars candy company has recently decided to stop making King Size candy bars and to reduce the caloric content in all of their candies to 250 calories or less per serving. This will involve reducing the size and not by altering the delicious candy taste, of course. This seems like a marvelous idea to me, and I can't imagine that anyone would be opposed to this. But, of course, this article blasted the candy company and its decision.

The reaming was two-fold. Many conservatives (shock! awe!) do not like Michelle Obama, who spearheads a campaign to promote health (I think she's awesome, by the way). Additionally (and more imperative to this rant), many posts on this website felt that the government should not regulate your candy choices, even if they are ridiculously bad ones.

Firstly, America has an obesity epidemic and we are clearly not very good at managing it ourselves. There has been an increase in the number of obese American adults, and more sadly, children and we simply cannot fight this problem alone. This is where the government needs to intervene, because we can't help ourselves. The children of people struggling with this problem end up becoming victims themselves when they become overweight as children and become obese as adults. I can't remember the exact statistic, but a child with two overweight/obese parents has something like a 90% chance of being overweight or obese as an adult themselves. Again, we are not managing this alone.

A primary reason we can't manage this alone is because the problem wasn't created by individuals alone. Our entire environment has been stacked against us. Although we all like to think of ourselves as autonomous beings, it's not as easy as that. Assuredly, McDonald's and any other quick serve restaurant has a strategy to predict where the next location should be built that will attract the most business. Government subsidies offer incentives for growing certain crops like corn, while healthy foods remain more expensive than their high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden competitors. The corporate culture means that you have to allot more time driving to work and being in the car than you will devote to walking around the neighborhood.

One argument bemoaned, "Now I have to buy two candy bars at a more expensive price than the King-Sized one!" A modern day tragedy, really. All of these unhealthy traps are built in the environment around us, and people are getting mad about not being able to get a King-Sized Twix bar? You have to be kidding me! No one needs that much candy. If you do want that much candy (hey, it's Fat Tuesday, I'm not judging), then maybe an extra price is what you need. Maybe that extra $0.25 is what you need to convince you not to buy the candy bar, not the extra 200 calories.

Whatever the case, I don't want to hear the argument that the government has too much power over our lives with this as the primary example. No, no no. Instead of getting angry at this sphere of influence, be glad that something is being done to help the obesity crisis. Reducing the sodium in Olive Garden meals or limiting the availability of massive candy bars may not seem like a huge deal, but these are real solutions that may collectively have an influence. And, if you need a good book to read about public health, check out this one instead of reading conservative website bullshit:

http://www.amazon.com/Prescription-Healthy-Nation-Approach-Improving/dp/0807021164

Hello, technology.

Last night, I entered a brave new world-the world of smart phones. You may be wondering how I have avoided this trend for so long. One part of me was a little afraid of losing freedom and a certain sense of "hippiedom." The other part of me was just too damn lazy to go to the store and get an upgrade. But, last night when Best Buy sponsored a free-phone-with-contract deal, I was there.

After listening to my fiance debate and/or quiz the Best Buy clerk helping us, throwing out buzz words like "MotoBlur" and "Gingerbread," I signed on the dotted line and took my new phone home. A few minutes later I was adding contacts and e-mail and Facebook accounts to my phone. Then I was making direct dial shortcuts and playing with widgets. Today, I even downloaded my first app (NPR News, for those curious). I also took pictures that got geo-tagged, updated a Facebook status, and did some online shopping.

I'm not quite sure that I won't feel like a sell-out, but it hasn't been that bad so far. My phone is still in the opposite room that I'm in, it's not clipped to my belt, and I haven't had separation anxiety from not using it for the past few minutes. Maybe my reluctance to get a new phone has been pure stubbornness, a trait that I freely admit I possess. Or maybe I've always liked to be just a little different. Either way, I'm going to embrace my new smart phone, customize it as much as possible, and occasionally leave it at home to piss people off. I will not give into the believe that having a smart phone makes me a different person (for better or worse).

For all concerned, I do plan on continuing to go to art fairs, farmers' markets, and any other hippie things I can think of. Maybe the world will balance out after all. . .

Go, Go Power Rangers!

While recently searching IMDB for some silly trivia answer, I started thinking about a show I used to watch as a kid-Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (MMPR). Did anyone else watch this show? If you didn't, I'll try to explain it in as serious a manner as possible.

Basically, there were 5 or so "normal" high school kids who moonlighted as "Power Rangers" (karate specialists with color coded astronaut costumes) to fight bad guys. The "Mighty Morphin'" part comes along when the Ranger turned into their other-other alter ego (aside from average high schooler), which was a Transformer-type dinosaur/animal creature. These creatures were large, and would fight the enemies that somehow also grew to gigantic proportions.

Now, just writing out this plot makes me feel silly, but as a kid, I loved these guys (and gals). If you want to feel even more ridiculous, check out some of the season details from Wikipedia (I'll let you find the link yourself).

Anyways, as a kid, I was a big fan of the Yellow Ranger, Trini. I have a very distinct childhood memory of finding a Yellow Ranger belt-coin transformer device and hiding it at the local Wal-Mart so that I could come back and buy it later.

But, "Trini" soon was off the show and on to better things. The show got more complicated and many spin-offs and fancier-type things happened, and it was a little too much for me. They took some that was good, and really tried too hard. Soon after the original cast and plot was gone, I lost interest (starting middle school may have also had something to do with this).

I guess we have low standards of what we watch as children, but sometimes the original is always the best. This is especially true in TV and movies, but in many other things as well. What's so bad about vanilla ice cream, or a pepperoni pizza? But, we live in a world that demands Golden Rush Oreo ice cream and deluxe Italian meat pizzas. Sometimes, we need to just set back and enjoy some original Power Rangers with vanilla ice cream. Enjoy your YouTube search for some episodes.

I Clearly Should Have Been on Jersey Shore. . .

Check out this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicole_Polizzi

I bet you didn't know Snooki (aka Nicole Polizzi) makes $30,000 per episode of Jersey Shore. Rutgers recently paid her to give a speech, much to the dismay of the Rutgers alumni and parents. In addition to late night TV appearances and college speeches, she's also been on Wrestle Mania, and even wrote a book (the most frightening fact of them all!). All of this celebrity stemmed from a bit part on a reality show.

Now, you may say I'm jealous, but that's not exactly the case. I don't want to be like Snooki (see above picture). I have no interest in running around like an idiot, saying catch phrases like "DTF?" and "Ready to smush?" or wearing trucker hats.

My interest (or hatred) lies far deeper. I'm really just disgusted that people like her (and many others) are celebrities for absolutely no reason. She has no talent (or at least marketable, legitimate talent), but makes more money in one episode of her show than many people make in an entire year. She really falls into the category of Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, and many other socialites. And consumers are too enthralled with the stupidity to realize what we're getting ourselves into. Yikes.

What is the solution? I'm not really sure. Maybe not watching Jersey Shore is too great of a concession, but please don't support her other efforts. Don't buy the book. Don't go to her website. Don't buy her Rolling Stone cover. Just don't; you'll respect yourself in the morning.

Pick-up Lines and Missed Connections

I have sort of an internet routine that I like to follow when I'm bored (see previous blog post about internet). Often, I find myself perusing Craigslist in order to find some new entertainment. One of my favorite stops is the "Missed Connections" section of the site. If you haven't seen it, you're really missing out.

People write a cryptic message to someone they saw in a public place but were too afraid to talk to. Most of them start out with a date or time (i.e. Tuesday at 4 PM) and include a location (Berea Wal-Mart, Richmond Road, gas stations, dollar stores, etc.). They describe the person that they are trying to find (hot dude with black shirt driving BMW) and then the writer describes his or her own self (creepy girl with binoculars at park, for example).

Here's an actual Lexington Craigslist Missed Connection: I saw you working at the Med Center Library. You were wearing a purple shirt. Your strawberry blond hair fell beautifully on your shoulder. You had to log me onto the computer. I kept flossing. Reply if you like public dental hygiene.

I think you get the idea. So, these are cheesy (and possibly fake in some cases). But my real question is, does anyone think that this will ever work? Yes, it's tempting to think that someone is out there checking the missed connections to see if you wrote them. But really, what are the odds that someone both was interested in you and is actually checking the same website as you (albeit it that Craiglist is very popular)?

The odds of a relationship of any kind starting on Craiglist are probably about the same as the odds of getting a date by yelling "Hey baby, nice ass!" out of a car window at someone walking by. No one is swooning at these actions, and no one will probably respond to you.

Why do we do it then? Why are there a handful of these "connections" daily? If you want to talk to the redhead in the purple shirt, do it on the spot. If you are peering at your neighbor with binoculars, go introduce yourself. If you're going to post a missed connection, make sure it's entertaining and not pathetic. I need as much worthless entertainment online as I can find. If not, I'll have to move to the "free" section on the site. . .http://lexington.craigslist.org/zip/2282895273.html

Reasons You Should Go to a Baseball Game

I know a lot of people are anti-baseball. And really, I understand. It can be a long game to watch, there are a lot of breaks, and sometimes nothing really happens in a game. With that being said, I'm still going to try to convince you to go to a game this year. No, really.

If you don't like watching baseball on TV, fine. It's hard to do, even for a devoted fan. But going to a game is a much different experience. There's a lot going on before the game and between innings. Many parks even have bands or fireworks after the game. In short, it's a lot more entertaining in person. Here are some reasons why:

1. People watching

There are a lot of silly, drunk people at games. Go see them! Make fun of them! Become one of them!

2. Delicious food

(See image above). Parks have a lot to offer. In fact, many Major League teams are going to a more "gourmet" style of food: http://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/best-baseball-stadium-food Crab cakes, tacos, ribs and other delicious items are available at many parks. Of course, there's always the traditional hot dog and popcorn treats as well. Some parks even have more healthful options, like salads or fruit as a side item. For myself, I rarely eat a hot dog outside of the park, but when I go to a game, it's the first thing I look for. Whatever your interests, there is surely something to enjoy.

3. Possible foul ball

At football or basketball games, you'll be asked to give back the ball if it comes into your seating area. At hockey games, you want to avoid the puck lest you have an emergency trip to the dentist. Not many sports can boast a souvenir such as this-a fresh new baseball.

There are a lot of baseballs used in the game. Players hit foul balls all the time, and if you're seated in one of the hot spots (behind the dugouts or maybe even home plate), you may catch one of these prize possessions. Just don't do what this girl did:

4. Free giveaways/discounts

One time, I got a Bald Eagle baseball card at a game! Sometimes, there are cards with real players on them, or even "signed" (mass printed) collectibles. On really good days, you'll get hats or t-shirts.

Minor league parks are the best about giveaways, because they have to bribe people to come to their games. They often have dollar beer or quarter hot dog nights, or other weekly promos. In addition, your ticket stub may give you discounts at local businesses. If you pick the right day to go to the park, you might end up with a good deal. Here's a list of promos from my local team, the Legends: http://web.minorleaguebaseball.com/promotions/index.jsp?sid=t495

In closing, give it a try. It can be pretty cheap to go to a minor league team and make yourself at home in the bleachers. Grab some food, a foul ball, a bobble head, and you're all set. You'll thank me later.