Embarrassing Moments Generally Involve a Bodily Fluid. . .

Wait, I didn’t mean that title in a bad way. I was just thinking back to my youth and chronicling the times that made me blush the most. I realized most of these involve urine, vomit or snot in some way, shape or form. So, let me share my embarrassment with you.

The first episode of such ridicule dates back to age 6. In grade school, kids are very reliant on their teachers, and often afraid to do anything that would diminish their authority. Cue first grade Katie in music class. I went into class really having to pee. I mean, really, really having to pee. So, as soon as I got in class, I raised my hand to go to the restroom. Bear in mind that no decently behaved child of this age would have the autonomy to think of going to the restroom by themselves. So, I waited to be called on so I could make my way to the little girls’ room.

But, for some reason, our teacher that day was very angry at us. Maybe it’s because we were talking during her riveting triangle demonstrations, or that her musical career consisted of teaching snotty nosed kids the “50 Nifty United States” song. Whatever the reason, she scolded us in a very loud manner and told us not to talk for the rest of the class. So, my raised hand fell on deaf ears. She was not going to call on me, and so I proceeded to grimace in pain and fear, hands between knees, hoping she would soon forgive the unruly class.

But, the moment never came. And soon, I was called on to play the xylophone at the front of the class with another student. About 10 seconds into the song, I knew all bets were off. And so, first grade Katie urinated on herself in front of the class, possibly on the xylophone, all because I was a meek first grader and my teacher had a bad morning.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after this, but I’m sure it was a mad rush to the bathroom to clean me up, followed by a call to the janitor, snickering by classmates, and an eventual trip to the office (after, of course, receiving some slightly used clothes from the Family Resource Center). My mom picked me up that day and luckily, after a few days no one remembered the notorious xylophone incident. After all, there are an alarming number of peeing incidents in this age group. But, the moment has been etched into my memory for far too long.

Another such incident that I was not personally involved in but witnessed first-hand came later in elementary school (fifth grade, to be exact). The class was sitting in science class, silently reading from our brand new textbooks.

Breaking the complete silence was a mighty gagging sound, followed by the release of the most offensive, vile throw-up I have ever seen (or smelled). The vomit erupted from the mouth of an acne-laden female student (I think her name was Amy) sitting a few desks over from me and it had the consistency of mashed peas. It was green with chunks of, well, peas and it smelled bad enough to make every fifth grader in class think about vomiting themselves.

The crisp, new pages of elementary school science slowly soaked up the barf, letting small amounts of green liquid drip to the floor. The smell wafted through the classroom as the offender was rushed to the school nurse and the custodian was promptly called. No worse than the actual smell of vomit was the white powder placed on the mess once the staff made it to the classroom for cleanup. I can still visualize the smell to this day. It’s disgusting how one’s memory works, right? Now, I’m sure that most people in the class forgot the vomiting incident after a few days (except for me). After all, fifth grade is full of many distractions just as first grade was for my urination incident.

Now, the point of this post wasn’t really to have a solid conclusion or piece of advice, but I find myself with a lack of conclusion. As adults, many of these experiences no longer bring us shame or humiliation. Maybe it’s because we can control our bodily functions (except the occasional drunk vomit), or maybe it’s because we have a lot of annoying things to deal with. Public speaking ranks as a top fear for many people, but if we compared it to puking on our boss, I’m sure that the speech would not seem nearly as intimidating. Perhaps growing up is creating new fears and while holding old ones in the back of our minds. After all, no one wants to vomit on their boss and mess up their Power Point presentation. . .

Soap Box Katie

Nothing is better than rejuvenating your interest in blogging than feeling the need for a rant. So, here it goes.

Just a few minutes ago, I was checking my Facebook news feed (yes, I hate myself) and noticed an article that had been shared by some of my high school friends. The article linked to a conservative website (definitely not somewhere I will be frequently), but I had to check out the content because of my interest in the subject.

You see, the Mars candy company has recently decided to stop making King Size candy bars and to reduce the caloric content in all of their candies to 250 calories or less per serving. This will involve reducing the size and not by altering the delicious candy taste, of course. This seems like a marvelous idea to me, and I can't imagine that anyone would be opposed to this. But, of course, this article blasted the candy company and its decision.

The reaming was two-fold. Many conservatives (shock! awe!) do not like Michelle Obama, who spearheads a campaign to promote health (I think she's awesome, by the way). Additionally (and more imperative to this rant), many posts on this website felt that the government should not regulate your candy choices, even if they are ridiculously bad ones.

Firstly, America has an obesity epidemic and we are clearly not very good at managing it ourselves. There has been an increase in the number of obese American adults, and more sadly, children and we simply cannot fight this problem alone. This is where the government needs to intervene, because we can't help ourselves. The children of people struggling with this problem end up becoming victims themselves when they become overweight as children and become obese as adults. I can't remember the exact statistic, but a child with two overweight/obese parents has something like a 90% chance of being overweight or obese as an adult themselves. Again, we are not managing this alone.

A primary reason we can't manage this alone is because the problem wasn't created by individuals alone. Our entire environment has been stacked against us. Although we all like to think of ourselves as autonomous beings, it's not as easy as that. Assuredly, McDonald's and any other quick serve restaurant has a strategy to predict where the next location should be built that will attract the most business. Government subsidies offer incentives for growing certain crops like corn, while healthy foods remain more expensive than their high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden competitors. The corporate culture means that you have to allot more time driving to work and being in the car than you will devote to walking around the neighborhood.

One argument bemoaned, "Now I have to buy two candy bars at a more expensive price than the King-Sized one!" A modern day tragedy, really. All of these unhealthy traps are built in the environment around us, and people are getting mad about not being able to get a King-Sized Twix bar? You have to be kidding me! No one needs that much candy. If you do want that much candy (hey, it's Fat Tuesday, I'm not judging), then maybe an extra price is what you need. Maybe that extra $0.25 is what you need to convince you not to buy the candy bar, not the extra 200 calories.

Whatever the case, I don't want to hear the argument that the government has too much power over our lives with this as the primary example. No, no no. Instead of getting angry at this sphere of influence, be glad that something is being done to help the obesity crisis. Reducing the sodium in Olive Garden meals or limiting the availability of massive candy bars may not seem like a huge deal, but these are real solutions that may collectively have an influence. And, if you need a good book to read about public health, check out this one instead of reading conservative website bullshit:

http://www.amazon.com/Prescription-Healthy-Nation-Approach-Improving/dp/0807021164