Wait, I didn’t mean that title in a bad way. I was just thinking back to my youth and chronicling the times that made me blush the most. I realized most of these involve urine, vomit or snot in some way, shape or form. So, let me share my embarrassment with you.
The first episode of such ridicule dates back to age 6. In grade school, kids are very reliant on their teachers, and often afraid to do anything that would diminish their authority. Cue first grade Katie in music class. I went into class really having to pee. I mean, really, really having to pee. So, as soon as I got in class, I raised my hand to go to the restroom. Bear in mind that no decently behaved child of this age would have the autonomy to think of going to the restroom by themselves. So, I waited to be called on so I could make my way to the little girls’ room.
But, for some reason, our teacher that day was very angry at us. Maybe it’s because we were talking during her riveting triangle demonstrations, or that her musical career consisted of teaching snotty nosed kids the “50 Nifty United States” song. Whatever the reason, she scolded us in a very loud manner and told us not to talk for the rest of the class. So, my raised hand fell on deaf ears. She was not going to call on me, and so I proceeded to grimace in pain and fear, hands between knees, hoping she would soon forgive the unruly class.
But, the moment never came. And soon, I was called on to play the xylophone at the front of the class with another student. About 10 seconds into the song, I knew all bets were off. And so, first grade Katie urinated on herself in front of the class, possibly on the xylophone, all because I was a meek first grader and my teacher had a bad morning.
I don’t remember exactly what happened after this, but I’m sure it was a mad rush to the bathroom to clean me up, followed by a call to the janitor, snickering by classmates, and an eventual trip to the office (after, of course, receiving some slightly used clothes from the Family Resource Center). My mom picked me up that day and luckily, after a few days no one remembered the notorious xylophone incident. After all, there are an alarming number of peeing incidents in this age group. But, the moment has been etched into my memory for far too long.
Another such incident that I was not personally involved in but witnessed first-hand came later in elementary school (fifth grade, to be exact). The class was sitting in science class, silently reading from our brand new textbooks.
Breaking the complete silence was a mighty gagging sound, followed by the release of the most offensive, vile throw-up I have ever seen (or smelled). The vomit erupted from the mouth of an acne-laden female student (I think her name was Amy) sitting a few desks over from me and it had the consistency of mashed peas. It was green with chunks of, well, peas and it smelled bad enough to make every fifth grader in class think about vomiting themselves.
The crisp, new pages of elementary school science slowly soaked up the barf, letting small amounts of green liquid drip to the floor. The smell wafted through the classroom as the offender was rushed to the school nurse and the custodian was promptly called. No worse than the actual smell of vomit was the white powder placed on the mess once the staff made it to the classroom for cleanup. I can still visualize the smell to this day. It’s disgusting how one’s memory works, right? Now, I’m sure that most people in the class forgot the vomiting incident after a few days (except for me). After all, fifth grade is full of many distractions just as first grade was for my urination incident.
Now, the point of this post wasn’t really to have a solid conclusion or piece of advice, but I find myself with a lack of conclusion. As adults, many of these experiences no longer bring us shame or humiliation. Maybe it’s because we can control our bodily functions (except the occasional drunk vomit), or maybe it’s because we have a lot of annoying things to deal with. Public speaking ranks as a top fear for many people, but if we compared it to puking on our boss, I’m sure that the speech would not seem nearly as intimidating. Perhaps growing up is creating new fears and while holding old ones in the back of our minds. After all, no one wants to vomit on their boss and mess up their Power Point presentation. . .
